1 00:00:02,052 --> 00:00:04,786 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:08,189 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,877 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,796 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,864 --> 00:00:18,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,486 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,166 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,856 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:29,978 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:37,114 The Travel Channel presents, 11 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:40,873 Backpacking Through Europe with a Bowlegged Man in Short Shorts. 12 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:44,326 Hello. Come, let's see some beautiful sites together. 13 00:00:44,394 --> 00:00:46,829 Hello, Tree. Thank you for shade. 14 00:00:46,897 --> 00:00:48,247 Hello, Mountain Cat. 15 00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:51,132 Thank you for controlling local rat population. 16 00:00:51,201 --> 00:00:52,417 Hello, Windmill. 17 00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:54,936 Thank you for the cheese ride and ball cooling. 18 00:00:55,005 --> 00:00:57,071 Next week, bullet trains. 19 00:00:57,607 --> 00:00:59,574 Hello! 20 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:02,161 Hey, Dad. Are you busy? 21 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,796 I was thinking we could spend some time together. 22 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,432 Okay, are you a television set, or the Internet? 23 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,501 No. 24 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:09,935 Oh, then no. No, thank you. 25 00:01:10,004 --> 00:01:11,204 Are you sure? 26 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,033 'Cause there's a three-day weekend coming up 27 00:01:13,057 --> 00:01:15,335 and I thought maybe you and I could finally go fishing 28 00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:16,736 like we've been talking about. 29 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,145 Oh, sorry, Chris, I can't. I got insanity practice. 30 00:01:21,865 --> 00:01:23,732 Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head! 31 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,550 Voices! Angry fish! 32 00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,213 How's he doing? Not good. 33 00:01:27,237 --> 00:01:30,055 He still thinks this is "practice" of some sort. 34 00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,808 But you promised we'd go fishing. 35 00:01:32,876 --> 00:01:36,010 Aw, Chris, I was just lying to you so you'd go away. 36 00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:37,612 But, if you leave me alone now, 37 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,147 I'll give you a billion dollars. 38 00:01:39,216 --> 00:01:41,316 You've got a deal! 39 00:01:41,385 --> 00:01:42,884 Peter, you know, it might help Chris 40 00:01:42,952 --> 00:01:44,730 to be able to spend some time with his father. 41 00:01:44,754 --> 00:01:46,266 Well, what's in it for ol' Pete? 42 00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:47,322 He's your son. 43 00:01:47,391 --> 00:01:48,923 Don't you want someone to bond with. 44 00:01:48,992 --> 00:01:51,693 No. I only form unspoken bonds. 45 00:01:56,983 --> 00:01:59,951 ♪ Hit me with your best shot 46 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,700 ♪ Why don't you hit me with your best shot? 47 00:02:04,474 --> 00:02:05,674 ♪ Hit me with your best shot 48 00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:09,878 ♪ Fire away ♪ 49 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,486 Okay. 50 00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:20,455 I'll talk to you later. Bye. 51 00:02:20,524 --> 00:02:21,757 You guys, that was my mom. 52 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,536 She said that Daddy broke his leg. 53 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,637 How? 54 00:02:24,661 --> 00:02:27,312 Apparently, he got hurt at the mall. 55 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,701 Carter, please stop doing that. 56 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,544 We need to get you some new corduroys. 57 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,035 No! None of the other boys are wearing corduroys! 58 00:02:34,104 --> 00:02:35,336 I want dungarees! 59 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,249 You're going to get hurt doing that. 60 00:02:37,273 --> 00:02:40,308 No, I'm not! I'm the champ at doing this! 61 00:02:40,376 --> 00:02:42,077 Ow! You jinxed me! 62 00:02:42,145 --> 00:02:43,845 Oh, damn it! 63 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:46,781 Hey, call that beeping cart that carries around the fat black people. 64 00:02:46,850 --> 00:02:49,067 Well, I guess Babs has her work cut out for her. 65 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,181 Actually, Mom can't take care of him. 66 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,082 She's out of town doing a photo shoot 67 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,546 for the cover of Veins Magazine. 68 00:02:58,078 --> 00:02:59,939 So, are you gonna go take care of him, Mom? 69 00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:03,123 I can't go. I've got to go get my hair very minutely changed 70 00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:04,811 and then spend the next 14 hours 71 00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:06,835 trying to get people to notice. 72 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:09,999 Well... 73 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,943 Lois, move. You're blocking the TV. 74 00:03:11,975 --> 00:03:13,903 What do you think? 75 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,560 I think you're blocking the TV. 76 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:18,830 Peter, is there anything you want to say to me? 77 00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:21,766 All right. Amy at work kissed me. 78 00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,969 It is true that I did not step away, but I did not lean in. 79 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,571 However, in my defense, 80 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,207 she had recently gotten her hair done differently. 81 00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:32,244 I was actually thinking that maybe you could go help Daddy. 82 00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,423 Well, not me, Mom. 83 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:34,724 Last time I was at Grandpa's, 84 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,194 I beat him at checkers and he punched one of my hogans. 85 00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:38,483 Well, what about Chris? 86 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,218 Wait, where is Chris? 87 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:41,498 He's upstairs in his room. 88 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:43,638 That's odd. He never misses a meal. 89 00:03:43,707 --> 00:03:44,907 I better go check on him. 90 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,374 Yeah, good idea. 91 00:03:46,442 --> 00:03:48,910 I better check on my hairless twin in the storm shed. 92 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:53,465 Close the door, the moonlight burns! 93 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:56,017 It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas. 94 00:03:56,086 --> 00:03:57,201 Christmas? 95 00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:58,704 Yes. Keep being good 96 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:02,157 and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours. 97 00:04:02,225 --> 00:04:03,691 Can I meet the family? 98 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,443 You've overstepped! No Christmas! 99 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,065 Hey, Chris. Are you okay? 100 00:04:11,134 --> 00:04:13,585 Holy crap, it smells like farts in here. 101 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,253 Those are my farts. 102 00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:18,100 Why doesn't Dad ever want to spend time with me? 103 00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:19,390 Chris, come here. 104 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,593 Sit down. 105 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,628 You know I love you, right, sweetie? 106 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:26,031 Mom, not in front of my posters. 107 00:04:26,083 --> 00:04:27,999 And your father loves you, too. 108 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,919 He just has trouble expressing his emotions. 109 00:04:30,988 --> 00:04:32,738 I love Mike and Molly! 110 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,307 I love Mike and I also love Molly! 111 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,491 And I don't care who knows it! 112 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,493 You know, Chris, you've got a grandpa 113 00:04:39,562 --> 00:04:41,429 who could use your help right now. 114 00:04:41,497 --> 00:04:44,165 I'm sure he'd enjoy spending time with you. 115 00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:46,434 Okay, I'll give it a shot. 116 00:04:48,906 --> 00:04:50,449 You're not gonna kill yourself, are you? 117 00:04:50,473 --> 00:04:53,174 That would be a severe black mark on my record as a mom. 118 00:04:53,243 --> 00:04:56,444 Oh, I'd have to make up stories of a severe mental illness. 119 00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,614 Make it seem a miracle you made it this long. 120 00:04:59,682 --> 00:05:01,482 I could do that. 121 00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:07,439 Sucks about your leg, Grandpa. 122 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,522 How you been doin'? 123 00:05:08,591 --> 00:05:10,369 Well, let me tell you, this is awful. 124 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,692 I'm so bored. 125 00:05:11,762 --> 00:05:13,740 I can't sleep, I just have to lie here 126 00:05:13,764 --> 00:05:15,641 and wait for my stupid leg to heal. 127 00:05:15,665 --> 00:05:17,532 Oh, I'm really sorry, Grandpa. 128 00:05:17,601 --> 00:05:20,118 And the worst part about it, is I can't have sex. 129 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,737 God! I wish there was a way I could just do it myself. 130 00:05:22,806 --> 00:05:25,640 You know, just to be done and napping within four minutes. 131 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,743 Let me show you something. 132 00:05:29,613 --> 00:05:32,781 That was amazing! 133 00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:34,961 And Lynda Carter wasn't actually here? 134 00:05:34,985 --> 00:05:36,918 No! That was just in your mind. 135 00:05:36,987 --> 00:05:38,453 Incredible! 136 00:05:38,521 --> 00:05:40,817 So you can do that like, what, once a year or something? 137 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:44,176 No. You can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else. 138 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,410 Cool! 139 00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:47,798 Hey, next time I want to try it with my hand. 140 00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:52,161 Hey, Grandpa. What should we do now? 141 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,518 You wanna order a pizza? 142 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,997 Well, that doesn't sound very exciting. 143 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:58,973 But now you can follow your order online! 144 00:05:59,042 --> 00:06:00,253 There it is. It's on Van Buren! 145 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,509 Oh, oh! He's almost here! 146 00:06:01,577 --> 00:06:03,311 Wow. He's really fast. 147 00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,580 Hey, I got an idea. 148 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,043 Let's put in two different orders and have 'em race! 149 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,251 You think it'll crash the system? 150 00:06:09,319 --> 00:06:11,152 Only one way to find out. 151 00:06:12,222 --> 00:06:14,462 Here's your pizza. That's $16.50. 152 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,857 We were playing a game with you. 153 00:06:15,926 --> 00:06:17,692 That's what you are. You're a clown. 154 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,205 Are you gonna pay for the pizza? 155 00:06:19,229 --> 00:06:21,696 Yes. Your money is in this pile of mashed potatoes. 156 00:06:21,764 --> 00:06:23,764 Eat your way out. No hands. 157 00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:29,037 This is fun, Chris. I like hanging out with you. 158 00:06:29,106 --> 00:06:31,205 Don't look up. You're not a part of this. 159 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,812 It's sounding really good, Grandpa. 160 00:06:37,881 --> 00:06:39,881 I know, I know. Sorry I'm late. 161 00:06:39,950 --> 00:06:42,016 Look, Jason, are you taking this seriously? 162 00:06:42,085 --> 00:06:44,085 Because Chris and I take this seriously. 163 00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,764 You know, if you're not gonna show up to rehearsal, 164 00:06:45,788 --> 00:06:47,533 we'll find someone else who will, all right? 165 00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:48,923 We want to get some paying gigs! 166 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,624 Sorry. Geez. 167 00:06:50,693 --> 00:06:53,728 Remember, this is about writing music that means something to us! 168 00:06:53,797 --> 00:06:55,213 Okay, from the top. 169 00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,650 ♪ Halls Mentho-lyptus 170 00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,152 ♪ You can feel it in your nose 171 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,722 ♪ That's how you know it's a medicated cough drop 172 00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:06,157 ♪ And not just a candy ♪ 173 00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:07,954 Hey, can we play one of my songs? 174 00:07:07,978 --> 00:07:10,912 No! No one wants to hear your stupid songs about nothing! 175 00:07:10,981 --> 00:07:15,016 Now, let's play I Fell in the Shower, So Maybe We Do Need That Bar. 176 00:07:15,085 --> 00:07:16,584 Five, six, seven, eight! 177 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,035 Listen, Chris, I really want to thank you 178 00:07:22,059 --> 00:07:24,625 for coming to take care of me and helping me get well again. 179 00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:27,078 Oh, it was no big deal. Well, it is to me, 180 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,428 and I want to give you some money for all your time. 181 00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:31,161 Come on, you don't have to do that. 182 00:07:31,185 --> 00:07:34,252 I just like getting to spend time with my grandpa, you know? 183 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,854 I... Wait, wait, what? 184 00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:38,934 You're... You're not gonna take the money? 185 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:42,260 No, I don't want your money. I had fun hanging out with you. 186 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,096 Well, all right, then. 187 00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,347 Hey, Grandpa, check it out. 188 00:07:46,416 --> 00:07:48,199 When I make my elbow like this, 189 00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:49,968 it looks like women's private parts! 190 00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,470 Oh, Chris! 191 00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:55,239 You just have a way of looking at things that's delightfully fresh! 192 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,758 We're not supposed to be doing this. 193 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,902 I bet we're not supposed to be doing this. 194 00:08:05,002 --> 00:08:06,567 Daddy! You're all better! 195 00:08:06,636 --> 00:08:07,818 That's right, pumpkin. 196 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,820 And I have an important announcement to make. 197 00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:14,225 I have decided to change my will, and name my grandson Chris 198 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,827 the sole heir to the Pewterschmidt fortune. 199 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,613 What? Oh, my! 200 00:08:19,816 --> 00:08:21,700 Oh, no! My hairless twin got out! 201 00:08:26,889 --> 00:08:28,223 Hello, family. 202 00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:30,658 Let's eat all the garbage we want. 203 00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:40,702 Daddy, you're seriously leaving your entire estate to Chris? 204 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,370 I mean, what about Mom? 205 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:45,339 I promise she'll be dead before I am. I promise. 206 00:08:45,408 --> 00:08:47,541 But, Grandpa, I don't even want the money. 207 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,894 See? This is exactly why you should get it! 208 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,029 So refreshing! 209 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,975 Well, I don't want it, either. 210 00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:54,310 Good, 'cause you're not getting it. 211 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,129 Come on, what are you doing? 212 00:08:56,153 --> 00:09:00,355 Listen, Carter, you take me out of your will, I'm taking you out of mine. 213 00:09:00,423 --> 00:09:03,068 Peter, that wasn't your will, that was your birth certificate. 214 00:09:03,092 --> 00:09:05,226 Oh, no! 215 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:08,530 There's no light! There's only fire! 216 00:09:08,598 --> 00:09:11,277 Look, Carter, I suppose you're entitled to do what you want, 217 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,879 but, you know, I'm just saying, if it were me, 218 00:09:13,903 --> 00:09:15,748 I would give all the money to charity. 219 00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,038 Oh, yeah? Which charity? 220 00:09:17,107 --> 00:09:20,307 Well, there are just so many that do such great work. 221 00:09:20,376 --> 00:09:21,609 Name just one. 222 00:09:21,678 --> 00:09:23,511 Um... Well, you know... 223 00:09:23,579 --> 00:09:29,000 Poor Green Whale Guns Books? 224 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,052 You are such a fraud. 225 00:09:31,121 --> 00:09:33,954 Why won't anyone help us? 226 00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:42,346 What the hell? I can't believe your dad's giving all his cash to Chris! 227 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,116 I know it's strange, but in the end it's his money, 228 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,700 so who really cares? 229 00:09:46,769 --> 00:09:48,302 Well, yeah, but... 230 00:09:48,371 --> 00:09:49,970 But what? 231 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,141 Peter, did you marry me for my money? 232 00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,443 Of course not, Lois, but even you can't deny 233 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,645 it was always gonna be a huge perk. 234 00:09:57,714 --> 00:09:59,647 Did I use that right? Perk? 235 00:09:59,716 --> 00:10:01,483 Yes, Peter. 236 00:10:01,551 --> 00:10:03,729 Yeah, I thought so, but then it just sounded kind of weird when I said it. 237 00:10:03,753 --> 00:10:05,513 It was fine. Thanks. 238 00:10:05,555 --> 00:10:07,955 Anyway, I don't plan on losing out on any of that money. 239 00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:11,292 So if you ask me, we gotta start sucking up to Chris right away. 240 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,506 What? What are you talking about? 241 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,330 I'm talking about brownnosing Chris 242 00:10:15,399 --> 00:10:17,098 and getting on his good side perk. 243 00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:18,944 No, that's wrong. No "perk." 244 00:10:18,968 --> 00:10:21,903 Okay, my bad. But I've been counting on that money, Lois. 245 00:10:21,971 --> 00:10:24,139 It's always been critical to my master plan. 246 00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:25,806 What master plan? 247 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,159 Look, I never told you this, but, 248 00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:31,329 for years now, I've been planning on retiring at 45, 249 00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:34,615 so I can work on finding a cure for Ballzheimers disease. 250 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,535 Peter, are those testicles? 251 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,036 Where did you get those? 252 00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:41,038 I don't remember! 253 00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,528 Hey, hey, there he is! 254 00:10:47,597 --> 00:10:50,565 Oh, boy, hot dogs and Nintendo, huh, Chris? 255 00:10:50,634 --> 00:10:52,934 Dad, what are you doing? What's going on? 256 00:10:53,002 --> 00:10:56,503 Good one, Chris! Good one! 257 00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,239 Why are you dressed like that? 258 00:10:58,307 --> 00:11:00,786 I don't know. I just kind of felt like this is what cool people wear. 259 00:11:00,810 --> 00:11:03,211 Hey, hey, Chris, how about you and me do a secret handshake 260 00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:05,458 that has way too many steps to remember, all right? 261 00:11:05,482 --> 00:11:08,433 Okay. Shake, bump, bump, slap, pinky hook, 262 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,947 pretend to slick your hair back, represent, bump, 263 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,954 one spin, slap high, slap low, 264 00:11:13,023 --> 00:11:15,589 reverse spin, bump, explode, shake, belly rub, 265 00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:18,176 fake yawn, finger gun, hitchhiker, hitchhiker, 266 00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:20,422 shimmy shimmy sham sham, shake, shake, shake, bump, 267 00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:22,025 something smells and shake again. 268 00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,097 Okay, ready? 269 00:11:25,202 --> 00:11:27,001 Oh, my God, it's nighttime. 270 00:11:29,805 --> 00:11:31,467 We now return to the director's cut 271 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,024 of Mission: Impossible 5, 272 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,560 with the step stools not edited out. 273 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:38,229 You're coming with me because I'm definitely over six feet, 274 00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:39,980 and you're not handsome. 275 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,544 Hey, Chris, hey, you remember that kid 276 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:42,978 you said was bullying you at school? 277 00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:44,180 Well, here's his head! 278 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,273 That's not even him! That's the deaf kid! 279 00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,708 Oh, that was sign language. 280 00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:53,937 I thought he was trying to defend himself with terrible karate. 281 00:11:56,199 --> 00:11:57,709 Chris, I want to share with you 282 00:11:57,733 --> 00:12:00,201 a timeworn father-son tradition. 283 00:12:00,270 --> 00:12:01,764 I am gonna show you a film comedy 284 00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:04,255 from my youth that won't hold up. 285 00:12:04,323 --> 00:12:06,940 Welcome to the classic comedy, Meatballs. 286 00:12:07,009 --> 00:12:08,276 Oh, that sounds great. 287 00:12:08,344 --> 00:12:10,490 Is it about a pasta factory or something? 288 00:12:10,514 --> 00:12:11,879 No, that's part of the joke. 289 00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,883 Who's the guy? That's not a guy. That's the hot chick! 290 00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:16,550 Where are her boobs? 291 00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:19,320 Flat with a decent face was the best we could hope for back then. 292 00:12:19,389 --> 00:12:21,749 Miley Cyrus had sex with a foam finger 293 00:12:21,791 --> 00:12:24,025 at, like, 6:00 p.m. Central Time. 294 00:12:24,094 --> 00:12:26,461 This movie has a canoe that slowly sinks. 295 00:12:26,529 --> 00:12:27,890 All right, you know what? Forget it! 296 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,815 I'm just gonna take my VCR, my VCR head-cleaning tape, 297 00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:33,667 my VCR head-cleaning spray, my head-cleaning rag, 298 00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:36,270 and my rewinder, and just get the hell out of here. 299 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,326 We now return to 300 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:45,646 At the Movies With Two Guys Who Watch the Films on Their iPhones. 301 00:12:45,715 --> 00:12:47,676 Good evening. First off, we're going to review 302 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,968 Paul Greengrass' Captain Phillips. 303 00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,168 What did you think, Bill? 304 00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:52,615 Well, it got off to a great start, 305 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,534 but when it was my turn to play Words With Friends, 306 00:12:54,558 --> 00:12:55,834 it really took me out of it. 307 00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,025 Well, that's a shame, 308 00:12:57,093 --> 00:12:59,213 because visually... Ooh. 309 00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:03,564 When we come back, the guys will review American Hustle. 310 00:13:03,633 --> 00:13:04,648 Mmm? 311 00:13:05,468 --> 00:13:06,646 Hey, you guys. 312 00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:08,236 Geez, Peter, you look exhausted. 313 00:13:08,305 --> 00:13:10,483 Oh, I am. I've been busting my ass 314 00:13:10,507 --> 00:13:12,757 for the last week trying to suck up to Chris. 315 00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,475 To Chris? What the hell for? 316 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,478 Well, Carter kind of decided he's gonna leave all his money to Chris. 317 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,491 So, I've been trying to get on his good side. 318 00:13:19,515 --> 00:13:21,527 I even cleaned his room for him the other day. 319 00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:22,951 Wish I hadn't done that. 320 00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:26,220 Chris, our bath is ready. 321 00:13:26,689 --> 00:13:28,589 I... Uh... 322 00:13:28,658 --> 00:13:30,291 I don't... I don't know what to do now. 323 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,694 I... I don't have the parenting skills necessary to deal with this. 324 00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:35,674 I say we never speak of this again. 325 00:13:35,698 --> 00:13:38,132 I... I might move. 326 00:13:38,201 --> 00:13:40,267 You know what? I say, good for Chris 327 00:13:40,336 --> 00:13:42,570 and whatever lucky girl he ends up marrying. 328 00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:45,205 Yeah, or lucky guy, if he ends up being gay. 329 00:13:45,274 --> 00:13:47,191 Lucky guy? 330 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:50,478 Wait a minute. You guys just gave me an idea! 331 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,499 What's he doing up there? He's a cat! 332 00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,403 He can't play no tuba! 333 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:01,422 No, wait! Actually, you guys gave me two ideas! 334 00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:07,745 Mumbling while I sleep to indicate dream content. 335 00:14:07,797 --> 00:14:08,991 Chris, Chris, wake up. 336 00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,243 I have something very important to ask you. 337 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,212 Chris, there comes a time when every man looks at his son 338 00:14:14,236 --> 00:14:17,171 and thinks, "I want to take this to the next level." 339 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,944 Chris Griffin, will you marry me? 340 00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:27,448 What? Is it even legal for a man to marry his son? 341 00:14:27,517 --> 00:14:28,983 It is in Vermont. 342 00:14:29,051 --> 00:14:31,130 As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there. 343 00:14:31,154 --> 00:14:33,065 They're a bunch of liberal degenerates. 344 00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:35,139 I don't know. It seems really weird. 345 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,375 I mean, aren't men supposed to marry women? 346 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,488 No, no, no, that's just all of human history 347 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,473 except for the last five months. 348 00:14:41,497 --> 00:14:43,031 We'll just be like best pals. 349 00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:44,510 And besides, there's plenty of people 350 00:14:44,534 --> 00:14:45,911 who are married and don't have sex. 351 00:14:45,935 --> 00:14:47,713 Like Will Smith and that pit bull. 352 00:14:47,737 --> 00:14:49,554 Why do you even want to marry me? 353 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,872 It's time to settle down and simplify things, 354 00:14:51,941 --> 00:14:55,059 like maybe having one ATM card and one bank account. 355 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,594 Say, yours. 356 00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:57,761 Oh. 357 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,129 I get it. 358 00:14:59,182 --> 00:15:00,414 So, what do you say? 359 00:15:02,385 --> 00:15:04,886 When you're married, you get to spend all your time together, 360 00:15:04,954 --> 00:15:08,022 doing things like playing catch and going fishing, right? 361 00:15:08,091 --> 00:15:11,203 Well, the best marriages give each other space, but, yes, Chris. 362 00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:13,978 Then, yes, I will marry you, Dad! 363 00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:16,730 Oh, that's wonderful news! 364 00:15:16,799 --> 00:15:19,111 You should know this ring is very special. 365 00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,879 It used to belong to your mother. 366 00:15:20,903 --> 00:15:22,537 Wait. What about Mom? 367 00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:24,788 I'm afraid that's over, Chris. 368 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:27,591 Lois, wake up. I need you to sign this legal document. 369 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,928 Huh? What is this? 370 00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,963 It's a petition to force that hot mom 371 00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,465 to wear something appropriate at PTA meetings. 372 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,967 Oh, thank God. 373 00:15:47,046 --> 00:15:48,112 No, Dad. 374 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,081 I don't know what normal is anymore. 375 00:16:01,478 --> 00:16:04,178 So now you know my complete sexual history, Chris. 376 00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:07,815 Wow. I'm surprised you got fooled by a bear in a wig. 377 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:10,184 It wasn't a wig, it was a hair system. 378 00:16:10,253 --> 00:16:11,418 Well, whatever. 379 00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:13,420 Why do we have all these appointments? 380 00:16:13,489 --> 00:16:15,489 Wedding DJ, florist. 381 00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:18,259 Because, Chris, it takes time to plan a perfect wedding. 382 00:16:18,327 --> 00:16:19,638 You don't want to jump the gun. 383 00:16:19,662 --> 00:16:21,782 You know, like when you respond to a text too quickly. 384 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,212 So, should we get started with your bridal registry? 385 00:16:38,281 --> 00:16:40,192 Yeah, I'd like to furnish my kitchen 386 00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:42,061 as if I'm the greatest chef in the world, 387 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,562 even though I've never cooked before. 388 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,264 That's what we do! Okay, great. 389 00:16:45,288 --> 00:16:48,689 All right, we'll start with the nine grand in copper-bottom cookware. 390 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,096 Holy wack-a-zoly! 391 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,593 Dad! What? 392 00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,728 Don't "what" me. You know what you did. 393 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:02,720 Hey, I may be your husband and your dad, but I'm still a man. 394 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:09,488 Yeah, we're looking to plan our post-wedding Sunday breakfast. 395 00:17:09,512 --> 00:17:11,657 You know, when everyone's sick of us. Of course. 396 00:17:11,681 --> 00:17:13,730 Excellent. Do you have a table for the couple 397 00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,911 that barely made it through the weekend without breaking up? 398 00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,712 Absolutely. Can I put them near the couple 399 00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,881 that hooked up drunk and now have to make awkward small talk 400 00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:21,650 until their cab to the airport arrives? 401 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,107 Sure. And maybe they could go next 402 00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,575 to the vastly-underdressed cousin 403 00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:26,377 who thinks the world revolves around him? 404 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,844 I have just the spot. 405 00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:30,326 Will there be a physically-frail, fall-down uncle? 406 00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,384 Indeed. And we'd like to have him walk through a maze of chair legs. 407 00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:34,596 Anything else? Yes. 408 00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:36,254 We did invite a black couple. 409 00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,362 Um, even though we only met them three months ago, 410 00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:40,424 but we would like them to be prominently featured 411 00:17:40,459 --> 00:17:43,310 to let other guests know how tolerant and wonderful we are. 412 00:17:47,917 --> 00:17:49,911 I'm excited for your first dance. 413 00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:52,565 And now we're ready to add music. What's your song? 414 00:17:52,589 --> 00:17:54,032 You know, I've given it a lot of thought, 415 00:17:54,056 --> 00:17:56,624 and I went with the most romantic song ever, 416 00:17:56,693 --> 00:18:00,528 Stars And Stripes Forever by John Philip Sousa. 417 00:18:00,596 --> 00:18:02,657 March! March! March! March! 418 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:04,292 Can you feel the soldiers, Chris? 419 00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:07,284 So many have fallen. And this is why they were fighting. 420 00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:08,986 For a man to marry his son 421 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,632 in a state with enough trees around 422 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,616 that nobody can see what's going on. 423 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:22,294 It was nice of the guests at the cat funeral to stay for our wedding. 424 00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:23,950 Yeah, and I bet you're especially happy 425 00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:25,553 we're getting married on a Thursday. 426 00:18:25,621 --> 00:18:27,721 School, yuck, right? 427 00:18:27,790 --> 00:18:30,024 Welcome, friends, loved ones, 428 00:18:30,093 --> 00:18:32,404 and people who are waiting for the 3:00 check-in time 429 00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:33,778 with nothing better to do. 430 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,396 Just let us put our bags in there. 431 00:18:35,464 --> 00:18:37,698 I'm literally gonna grab my shorts and leave. 432 00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:40,634 I understand the two of you have written your own vows? 433 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,621 Chris, to express my love, 434 00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:46,690 I turn to the words of the only poet that blue collar, 435 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:50,461 New England scumbags like me know, Robert Frost. 436 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,631 "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I... 437 00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,932 "I took the one less traveled." 438 00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:58,269 Now, I ain't no scholar, but if that's not a metaphor 439 00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:00,971 for major-league butt stuff, I don't know what is. 440 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,406 Thank you. Chris? 441 00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:03,824 Stop the wedding! 442 00:19:05,528 --> 00:19:07,778 Lois! How did you find out about this? 443 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:11,215 Peter, several people have called the police about a man marrying his son. 444 00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:12,583 It's not normal! 445 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,035 Peter? Peter Griffin? 446 00:19:15,104 --> 00:19:16,921 Oh, God. 447 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,140 Is everyone from your past here to walk you down the aisle? 448 00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:22,021 Peter, you cannot do this! 449 00:19:22,045 --> 00:19:23,689 You cannot marry your son! 450 00:19:23,713 --> 00:19:25,858 I don't care how much money Daddy's left him. 451 00:19:25,882 --> 00:19:27,058 Don't listen to your mother, Chris. 452 00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,122 It's 'cause of her we have bedtimes! 453 00:19:29,184 --> 00:19:32,584 Chris, come on, we're going home! He can't make you do this. 454 00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:34,705 But, Mom, I want to do this. 455 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,240 What? 456 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,760 I know he's marrying me for my money, but I don't care. 457 00:19:39,829 --> 00:19:42,296 Dad and I spent more time together planning this wedding 458 00:19:42,364 --> 00:19:43,931 than we ever have before. 459 00:19:43,999 --> 00:19:45,566 And if being married means 460 00:19:45,635 --> 00:19:49,920 I get to spend even more time with my dad, then it's worth it. 461 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:54,191 Wait. You knew all along I just wanted you for your money? 462 00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:56,210 Yeah, Dad, I did. 463 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,662 Wow. 464 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,532 Oh, boy, I've been a real jerk. 465 00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,166 I'm sorry, Chris. 466 00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:04,435 But you know what? 467 00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:07,038 I'm gonna make it up to you, starting right now. 468 00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:10,641 Chris Griffin, will you be my son? 469 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,660 Yes, Dad. 470 00:20:12,728 --> 00:20:17,098 OMG, the photographer is, like, obsessed with me. 471 00:20:17,166 --> 00:20:19,286 Well, let's all go home, you guys. 472 00:20:19,335 --> 00:20:21,680 I think we've had enough excitement for one day. 473 00:20:21,704 --> 00:20:23,937 Yeah, and I guess I learned it's wrong 474 00:20:24,007 --> 00:20:26,307 to take your son to Vermont under false pretenses 475 00:20:26,376 --> 00:20:28,309 to try to marry him for his inheritance. 476 00:20:28,378 --> 00:20:30,022 You... You should've known that. 477 00:20:30,046 --> 00:20:31,678 Well, we should probably get going. 478 00:20:31,747 --> 00:20:34,148 I think this adventure is over. 479 00:20:34,217 --> 00:20:37,034 Interestingly, however, I did run into Chris again. 480 00:20:37,102 --> 00:20:39,219 It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. 481 00:20:39,288 --> 00:20:41,939 He was with another dad. I was with another son. 482 00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,408 But it was nice reminiscing about old times. 483 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,622 For you kids watching, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie. 484 00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:50,181 He also married one of his children.